Number Three.

ah well, going to army in not a very long time. the feeling kinda sucks. at least there will be something to do though. and not just laze around and waste my parent's money. Its a sure thing that i will lose contacts with the guys. I just hope that we will meet up and stuffs to hang around after i get out from the hellhole.

Gerard and Clarence have been really nice, hanging out with me before i go in. It just kinda lets u realize the kind of friendships we have built up together. Not to say that the other guys are whatever-you-want-to-think-they-are, but i just appreciate it la. Gerard and i have been having nice talks about things and such, just brings the understanding to a whole new level. Well, at least for me though.

I dont know what it will be like in the army, and i dont know if it will change me to be a better or worse person. Gerard just says i'm taking it too seriously, and that i should just chill, but i just cant help it lol. I just cant help but wonder what life inside will be like, whether it will be better or worse than canoeing training, which i wasnt very good at in the first place.

Honestly, i sucked like mad in canoeing. Its kinda the first time i admitted it. Although i challenged myself by taking the C-Boat, i failed miserably. I just could not balance in it. Maybe i dont have the sense of balance or whatever, but during training i was capping(cap-sizing) like mad. And for that, i could gain no respect in the team. Many times i wanted to quit and just accept the fact. But many times i also wanted to prove to myself that i could do it. My captain Justin, one of the best captains i ever had, also impressed me by showing sincere, and i really mean sincere faith when everyone else had given up on me, encouraging me to go along and persevere through. I did in the end, improving to some extent, but by then it was too late and nationals had come. In nationals i got thrashed and let my partner down. I sucked. I also stayed on because i wanted to see more of her, but lets not go into that. So yeah, i didnt manage to get any respect in the team. Many friendships in the team, save for a few, were extremely superficial, and didnt last long after graduation.

As a result, i always stuck with the class people and hung out more with them than the canoeists. I am not a person of many talents or whatever, i have many flaws and weaknesses. So i cant seem to get any respect from most people that i know. Of course, there are people whom i can trust. My family for one. And friends whom in my mind have already gained that level of trust, whom i know i can always rely on. Cheers to those people. I dont really give a damn about the past, who respects me and who doesnt. From this moment on, i will gain that respect, and if you dont show me that respect, neither will i show it to you. Life is harsh, and not every one is as nice as i thought they were. I've been a nice person for too long, too gullible and throwing aside my own opinions for the words of others. I put the level of trust in people i thought were reliable, and in the end i've been backstabbed so many times i've lost count.

I admit it, i am a pathetic person, but pathetic kenny there will be no more.

Well i've got to change myself if i ever want to gain any respect in the army. Backstabbing happens oh too often there. I sure hope that i wont get pimples there.

Many people's blogs are superficial. They just want you to believe that they are perfect, and they leave out all the bad points. Who gives a damn anyway, i'll just throw whatever i want to throw here. Believe what you want. Whoever you are.

CJC has taught me so many things, especially the lessons in life. Dont trust just anybody.

Everybody just thinks i'm an easily bulli-able small kid. Well fuck off if you think so and come back only if u have respect, which only then will i repay you with the same amount of respect.

-Kenny-

PS: This is probably the last post in a long time because of army, so cya around. Whoever you are.